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hello you know you're fuckin dead...
For older discussions see ''[[User talk:Distantlycharmed/archive | Archive]]''
Please make sure that you use proper grammar on the teaser bits on episodes. Some you've changed to grammatically incorrect statements. There is also no need to go into too much depth on the teasers. Simplify. Tease. Don't storytell. -- [[User:Sulfur|sulfur]] 15:48, 18 February 2009 (UTC)
:Actually, the grammar and the going off on tangents in the teaser is what I am fixing (most of them are really long) and I think I have done a good job. I dont understand why in Endgame, Voyager returning back is written in the past tense. Like "after voyager returNED to the Alpaha Quadrant, Janeway triES to do this and that". – [[User:Distantlycharmed|Distantlycharmed]] 15:57, 18 February 2009 (UTC)
In that case, it is "some time after ''Voyager'' returned, Janeway tries." The first part of the sentence is in the past tense, since it occurred in the past. the second part is the "present" of the episode. Another wording for it would be "Some time after ''Voyager''{{'}}s return, Janeway tries."
Also, "in the meanwhile" is not grammatically correct. That should be either "meanwhile" or "in the meantime". -- [[User:Sulfur|sulfur]] 16:02, 18 February 2009 (UTC)
:Yeah, i know, it sounds awkward :) The Endgame teaser should be changed to what you mentioned above. Right now it just sounds awkward too.– [[User:Distantlycharmed|Distantlycharmed]] 16:08, 18 February 2009 (UTC)
==Ship name formats==
As an aside, ''Enterprise''{{'}}s, not ''Enterprise's''. Check the formatting on those by editing the page. Also... TNG and TOS were "the ''Enterprise''", while ENT's was simply "''Enterprise''". -- [[User:Sulfur|sulfur]] 02:40, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
: What? Archer never says ''the'' ''Enterprise''? – [[User:Distantlycharmed|Distantlycharmed]] 04:16, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
He may have, but stylistically, that's the way we roll. :) -- [[User:Sulfur|sulfur]] 04:36, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
== One Summary ==
I figured I waxed a bit too dramatic, but did not quite know how to pare it down without removing the drama entirely. I firmly believe that readers prefer some life in the summary instead of a flat report. Thanks for the assist. :)&ndash; [[User:Eyes Only|''Watching...'']]<sup>[[User Talk:Eyes Only|<span style="color:#00FF00;"> ''listening...''</span>]]</sup> 22:23, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
: Sure thing. It was fun. cheers :) -- [[User:Distantlycharmed|Lili]]
== Editing ==
A few points:
1. I see that you remove dialog I put in, but I was told a long time ago by [[User:Sulfur|Sulfur]] that usinf dialog directly in the summary is acceptable, so long as it is not overdone.
2. What's the difference between Sickbay and THE sickbay?
3. Try not to take out TOO much drama. :) I pulled my punches for {{e|Drive}}; I thought I struck the correct balance there. As I said, this is an encyclopedia, not a novel, so one has to be careful not too wax TOO poetic. But I really believe that for a reader to get ALL the information in the summary, he has to be ENCOURAGED to read the whole thing. Therefore, I think some life IS necessary to hold his/her interest. It's like school; you definitely pay attention to the work when the teacher is lively rather than if he is stodgy and dull. :)
&ndash; [[User:Eyes Only|''Watching...'']]<sup>[[User Talk:Eyes Only|<span style="color:#00FF00;"> ''listening...''</span>]]</sup> 22:39, 3 March 2009 (UTC)
Hey Watching,
I am just editing for better style. What I edited did not take the beauty or drama out of it, if anything, it actually made the piece more coherent and stylistically appealing. Here are some things I noticed and edited:
:1) You spread semicolons around generously. Where there should be a period or comma or colon, there is often a semi-colon. I don't get that. I have never seen so many semicolons in one paragraph.
:2) Your sentences are short and broken up, not flowing into each other but seem cut off. You dont connect them well (or at all) through the use of connectors, and so it is hard to read and stylistically just not very appealing. Adding connectors add variety and rhythm to your paragraph as well as creating a general flow.
:3) Some of the things you write sound awkward and are grammatically wrong, not to mention stylistically unappealing like, for example: "Paris applauds his new spirit '''and does so'''". ''Does so''? Sometimes I am not even understanding what you are trying to say like, for example,
''"She has successfully bartered with other crew-members for theirs, accumulating almost enough time to span a weekend. This is for her and Lt. Paris, her lover. The Doctor's time will complete it."''
''"She gives it, but he complains her delivery is very unexciting"''
--> broken up sentence/ And the Doctor's time will complete what? What time? Holodeck hours/time? It would be great if you say it. Look at the change I made. Also, you shouldnt start a sentence with "she gives it"- that is not introducing drama, it is just wrong.
:4) You use "but" a lot at the beginning of sentences, which is also stylistically awkward, especially if used a lot. I mean yeah I use "but" to start a sentence occasionally, but if you have a row of "but"s back to back it just doesnt read all that well. Ha also to do with adding variety to a paragraph.
:5) We should try to keep judgment about how characters feel and the naming of their relationships to a minimum, especially when it is unclear or when the term we use could easily be interpreted otherwise. For instance, in the example above, you refer to Tom Paris as B'Elanna's "lover". ''Lover'' is a somewhat loaded term and carries with itself some kind of a sexual undertone. In pop culture, someone who is your lover is generally seen as someone you have a primarily sexual connection with. Now right or wrong, this is how the term "lover" is understood. So you shouldnt be using it to describe their relationship, especially if you dont know really for a fact and if it is not true. B'Elanna and Tom ain't just hookin' up.
Since this is an encyclopedia, you want to just tell the story and not add value judgments to things.
Another example is when you said in {{e|One}} "with a look and a voice that a 20th century woman would have called sexual harassment..." --> Well, that is really kind of inappropriate as well. First of all, the guy was threatening and not sexually harassing. And, it is not necessary to mention how some woman in the 20th century would feel about some alien chatting up Seven. We don't really know and it is un-encyclopedic anyway.
:6) It's '''sickbay''' and not ''''the''' sickbay, because this is how sickbay is referred to in all of Star Trek; I've never heard anyone say "take him to the sickbay" and because it is just convention to not say '''the''' sickbay.
:7) Dialog makes sense if it is written well with regards to context. Good writing and re-telling knows how to insert a dialog without breaking up the flow of the paragraph. Often the dialogs I see inserted just seem like out of place there and really do distract.
I suggest you check out the episode {{e|Blood Fever}}. Whoever wrote it, it was really a pleasure reading it today. It was engaging, stylistically nearly perfect, connected paragraphs and sentences, was tasteful and really managed to put together ideas and sentences to create a real flow and story and capture the reader. I was impressed that the writer managed to write about/retell the steamy interaction between B'Elanna and Tom in such a tasteful, non-tacky way.
Anyway, I do hope that you dont take my suggestions the wrong way or personal. I just wanted to make sure you see why I edited the way I did and what my rationale was. :)&ndash; [[User:Distantlycharmed|Distantlycharmed]] 23:49, 3 March 2009 (UTC)
:(*Big Smile*) I gather your teach English professionally? And the name is [[User:Eyes Only|Eyes Only]]. What I sign with is just my signature. :) &ndash; [[User:Eyes Only|''Watching...'']]<sup>[[User Talk:Eyes Only|<span style="color:#00FF00;"> ''listening...''</span>]]</sup> 00:33, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
::Naw I suck at grammar too sometimes :) &ndash; [[User:Distantlycharmed|Distantlycharmed]] 01:31, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
==Episode links==
As an aside, it's best ''not'' to use <nowiki>[[One (episode)|One]]</nowiki>, but rather to use <nowiki>{{e|One}}</nowiki>. See [[Help:Linking to episodes and films|this help page]] for more details. In short, this system allows us to change episode locations easily if needed, without having to edit a whole lot of pages. -- [[User:Sulfur|sulfur]] 01:37, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
== Lifeline Summary ==
Mind taking a look at {{e|Life Line}}? I did over that one, too. I think it could use your touch. :) &ndash; [[User:Eyes Only|''Watching...'']]<sup>[[User Talk:Eyes Only|<span style="color:#00FF00;"> ''listening...''</span>]]</sup> 23:09, 4 March 2009 (UTC)

Revision as of 14:39, 16 March 2009

hello you know you're fuckin dead...

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